Broken but Hopeful

My name is Aya.

I am 27 years old. 

I am married to a wonderful man and we live together in a cozy apartment. 

I am a Registered Nurse by trade, and armed with a Master's degree as well. 

I have a family who loves me dearly.

In a way, I may be successful by the world's standards. 

Yet, just like any other person, I am not spared from heartaches. Today, I write about it not because of self-pity or anger. I want my suffering to be known so that through my weakness, the name of Jesus will be magnified. Someday, I want to read about the trials in my life and remember how He carried me through. My God has always been faithful in my life. I would never want to have any reason to doubt that. 

August of 2014, I had my first miscarriage. This was the first blow to our marriage. Although the baby was only 6 weeks old, it was life within me that was lost. This kind of loss baffled me and left me lost for words. I didn't know how to deal with it. All I knew was that I could not wallow in this misery. I have to bounce back right away- get back to work, be a good wife and be normal. 

March of 2015, I lost my baby for the second time. At merely 9 weeks, I had to medically induce my miscarriage since the fetus has not been growing for awhile. I did not even hear a heartbeat. I could not believe it. I mean, it has only been 6 months since I lost the first one and here we are again, sitting in the doctor's office and hearing the news all over again. I looked at my husband's face as the doctor explained the situation and although he tried to hide it, I saw the pain and struggle in his face and this was more than I could bear. I would never want to hurt the love of my life. 

God does not give problems that we cannot handle. Still, I asked Him- "What makes You think I can handle two miscarriages in a row?" Maybe He thinks I am strong enough to handle this but I feel so weak. I feel so incompetent. Yet I pray God will forgive me for my doubts and fears. May His strength shine through in my infirmities. 

Truly, no matter what happens, the world still continues to turn. It will not stop just because we feel disabled or weak. Life does go on. Despite that, I am thankful because He is carrying me through this ever- changing and uncertain life on earth. I am thankful because my parents have raised me in a way that when problems arise, I know who I can count on. I am thankful because I know who my real friends are. I am thankful because I have a partner in life through thick and thin. Now, I am even more thankful because I have two more angels watching from above. 

For every painful situation, may we never lose insight. 

For the trials that are yet to come, may we never lose Hope.

For the triumphs that arise, may we never lose ground. 

Out of a broken spirit, may a phoenix always rise.